


everything you've been (is not everything you'll be)

by micksgotkicks



Category: Star Trek: Deep Space Nine
Genre: First Kiss, Garak is a sad lizard, Light Angst, M/M, Tooth-Rotting Fluff, i'm an author who uses their tags too liberally, julian is a mess, the usual gay shenanigans
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-23
Updated: 2017-12-23
Packaged: 2019-02-17 23:16:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,114
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13087497
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/micksgotkicks/pseuds/micksgotkicks
Summary: In typical Bashir fashion, Julian risks his life to save Garak's. Except, Garak wasn't in all that much danger.For Dakota and the Star Trek Secret Santa.





	everything you've been (is not everything you'll be)

**Author's Note:**

  * For [dakota](https://archiveofourown.org/users/dakota/gifts).



> title taken from [alienation by morning parade](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BQnTqBgHvMA) which is such a perfect song for these two, i highly recommend it.
> 
> this takes places sometime after dukat pulls that dick move where he aligns cardassia with the dominion and some time before he pulls that dick move where he takes over ds9

“Julian!”

Julian raised his head in time to catch none other than Jadzia Dax strolling confidently towards him, a wide grin on her face.

“Sisko told me you’d just been released from the infirmary,” she said, slowing down to walk beside him. “How does it feel to be on the other end of the biobed?”

“Not too pleasant,” Julian replied with a laugh. Jadzia’s energy always managed to be contagious, despite how exhausting his day had been.

“I’m sure it wasn’t that bad,” Jadzia said, rolling her eyes.

“Definitely not something I’d look forward to repeating.”

“Anything can be made into a learning experience if you want it to, that’s what Lela always believed. Who knows?” she said, playfully bumping her shoulder against his, “Maybe it’ll improve your bedside manner.”

“Hey! My bedside manner happens to be phenomenal.” Julian insisted. “Ask anyone!”

She eyed him briefly, a teasing smile on her face. “Like Garak?”

He froze, catching himself before he tripped over his own feet. “What do you mean by that?” 

“Nothing,” Jadzia said, holding up her arms in defense, “I just know that our resident tailor doesn’t enjoy spending time in the infirmary, or with the station’s counselor for that matter, so you do an awful lot of house calls.”

Julian was a bit taken aback. “Lurian Flu can be deadly to Cardassians. As a physician, it’s my job-“

Jadzia cut him off with a raise of her eyebrows. “I think taking a shuttlecraft into Dominion-Cardassian territory of all places is more than what your job title requires.”

They’d had this conversation multiple times over the years, and Julian gave her the same answer he always did. “Garak’s my friend.”

“Garak wasn’t showing any symptoms of Lurian Flu yet,” she said, “There was a strong chance he didn’t even have it and you still put yourself in a dangerous situation without a second thought.”

“But-“

Jadzia cut him off again. “I’m not criticizing what you did, Julian. You know I would do the same if I was your shoes.” She placed a hand on his shoulder, training her steady eyes on him. “I just don’t want you to miss something that’s right in front of you.”

And with a friendly squeeze to his upper arm, she was gone, leaving Julian to stand in an empty corridor.

Sometimes Jadzia, with all her years of wisdom, felt more like an aunt than a friend—a huge gossip, way too invested in people’s love lives, and painfully right about almost everything.

Julian had planned to return to his quarters, but her words keep replaying in his mind.

No matter how he thought about it, it always came back around to Garak. Julian had gotten on that shuttle under the guise of being a devout physician, which he absolutely was, but this was about more than some medical obligation. Garak hadn’t shown any signs of being infected by Lurian Flu, and neither had Ziyal for that matter. Julian hadn’t gone to Cardassia because his patients were in dire need of a vaccination; he had gone because he was selfishly worried about Garak. 

_Do I love him? Is that what this is all about?_ Julian thought. _I do find him attractive, yes. But would I sleep with him? Well, yes, actually. Wanting to have sex with someone doesn’t necessarily equate to being in love with them._

When he looked up though, Julian found himself standing outside of Garak’s quarters. _Do you really want to know if you’re in love with him? Isn’t that what you’ve been hiding from all these years?_ God, even the voice in his own head was starting to sound like Jadzia. It wasn’t wrong, however.

Before he knew what he was doing, Julian pressed the door chime.

The door slid open to reveal a flawlessly put-together yet absolutely peeved looking Cardassian. “Doctor,” Garak said, his voice sour, “To what do I owe the pleasure?”

Julian cleared his throat in a futile attempt to calm his nerves. “May I, uh, come inside?”

Garak looked him up and down before giving a slow nod. Although his quiet acceptance felt more like a capitulation, Julian followed Garak in.

 _Don’t be so bloody nervous,_ he scolded himself as he took a seat on the couch. It’s just Garak, plain and simple as ever.

“Nurse Richter told me that she dropped by to give you the Lurian Flu vaccination.” Julian broke the silence when Garak made no move to. 

“Ah, yes, what a lovely woman,” Garak said, still standing a few feet away from where Julian was seated. “We got to chatting a bit while she was here.”

Julian folded his fingers in his lap to keep from fidgeting. “Really?”

“Nothing you’d find particularly exciting,” Garak said with a dismissive wave. “Just about the latest translucent silk that’s come into style, how her girlfriend has been adjusting to the transition from security to medical. And of course, how the station’s doctor practically commandeered a shuttlecraft so he could fly into Dominion space to get an antidote for a curable disease.”

“Now hold on!” Julian said, getting to his feet. He didn’t like Garak talking down to him, both literally and figuratively. “I most certainly did not commandeer that shuttlecraft, you can ask Sisko yourself.”

Garak scoffed. “Well that’s quite a relief to know you only put your life in peril and not your career.”

“It was perfectly safe,” Julian argued.

“Forgive me, but it seems you and I have very different definitions of the word _safe_.”

“The Dominion wasn’t going to risk provoking an all-out war, at least not over one man in a shuttlecraft!”

“My _dear_ doctor,” Garak said, voice teeming with sarcasm, “You can’t possibly be that naïve.”

“Is it naïve to be worried about my friend?” Julian asked in frustration. “Is it naïve to want to help?” He cursed himself for sounding so anxious.

“Wanting and actually doing are two distinctly different things,” Garak said. His tone made Julian feel as though he was an impetuous child being lectured rather than a fully qualified CMO.

“For God’s sake, Garak,” Julian said, “Why is it so hard for you to believe that someone actually cares about you?”

Garak’s eyes snapped up to catch Julian with an icy gaze. “Perhaps,” he said, “Because what you did was so unbelievably stupid.”

“I did it for you!”

“Now that’s where you’re wrong.” Garak stepped closer, far beyond the boundaries of personal space, in an effort to intimidate him. “You hopping on a shuttlecraft and gallivanting around a nearly active warzone was hardly for my sake. You needed to feed that compassionate physician in you, and the god complex that comes with it.” They were so close now that Julian could feel the warmth of Garak’s breath.

“Not to mention that you put your own life in jeopardy,” Garak added, softer in volume but with no less bite.

“Dammit, Garak, I knew the risks going into this,” Julian said, “Why do you insist on treating me like some kind of fool?”

“Maybe, doctor, if you stopped acting like one, I might consider doing just that.”

Garak’s words were callous and meant to sting in a way Julian hadn’t heard directed at him since the incident with the implant all those years ago. 

“No,” Julian said, as firmly as he could muster, “You’re not doing this to me, not again.”

Garak stood motionless, hardly reacting. “And whatever am I doing?”

“Pushing me away, bullying me so I’ll leave you to wallow in your misery,” Julian said, holding his ground and staring back at Garak with an unwavering determination. “You’ve gotten yourself in too close and you want out. Well guess what? It didn’t work before and it sure as hell won’t work now!”

“That’s hardly the point,” Garak replied stiffly.

“Then explain to me what is.” Julian slammed his hand against the table for good measure, but there was no hiding the sentimentality of his plea.

“Because I can’t lose you.” Something cracked in Garak’s usually pristine façade as he spoke.

Julian froze, heart dropping into his stomach at the momentum of those words. Garak was watching him with such candor that Julian practically melted right then and there. _I’m sorry,_ he wanted to say. _I’m sorry and I’m in love with you. Desperately, frustratingly in love with you,_ but he didn’t.

“Garak,” Julian murmured instead, closing what little space was left between them. The Cardassian enveloped him into his tight embrace, resting his head against Julian’s shoulder. It was an act of trust he never would’ve thought he’d get to witness.

“Elim,” Julian said, the name somehow sounding entirely foreign and completely natural all at once. “I’m here. I’m fine.” _I adore you._

They stayed that way, curled around each other as if they were the sole source of light in an infinite darkness, and Julian was certain. More frighteningly certain than he probably ought to be. He was in love with Garak.

When Garak finally pulled away, he still managed to look as immaculate as he had when he’d answered the door. “I apologize, my dear,” he said, the lack of ‘doctor’ not going unnoticed by Julian. “My behavior was a bit…uncalled for.”

Julian shook his head. “You have nothing to apologize for.”

Garak brushed a hand over Julian’s cheek, his thumb tracing the soft edge of his chin before abruptly drawing back. “You’re too willing to risk your life for a man who doesn’t deserve it.” 

“Shouldn’t that be for me to decide?” Julian asked, gently taking Garak’s arms, trying to hold his gaze, anything to keep him close, close, closer.

“I’ve done things you couldn’t forgive.”

“But I have forgiven you.” Julian rested his forehead against Garak’s. He ran his fingers along the ridges that outlined Garak’s eyes, not realizing how much he’d wanted to do that until now. “I told you before,” Julian said, his voice barely above a whisper, “I know you refuse to talk about what happened with your implant, but I meant what I said back then. I don’t care about your past. I forgive you, for whatever you’ve done.”

Garak cautiously leaned into his touch. “If only it were that easy.”

“It isn’t,” Julian said, “It’s never going to be easy.” _Nothing with you can be,_ he thought. “But that’s not going to stop me.”

He could feel the soft, fluttery beat of his own heart matching the thumping rhythm of Garak’s. 

“I’m in love with you.”

Suddenly, Garak had his hands on him and Julian was being pushed against the wall. “You _infuriatingly beautiful-_ “ And then Garak’s mouth was on his and they were kissing and kissing and bloody hell, he was kissing Garak.

Julian’s hands came up to grip at the fabric of Garak’s shirt, and Garak’s fingers tangled themselves in Julian’s hair. It wasn’t a mild kiss, by any means. They were pressing against each other as if all those years of tension building between them had been nothing but a thread waiting to be cut. Julian could hardly breathe, and he loved every second of it.

Garak’s mouth was a staggeringly hot contrast to the cool of his hands. He felt one of those hands slip under his uniform and Julian quickly pulled away to tug his shirt over his head. Garak kissed down his neck, drawing a soft moan from Julian’s lips. 

“Garak,” Julian said, nudging gently at the man’s chest to get his attention.

It took a moment, but Garak finally halted his ministrations and met Julian’s gaze. They were both out of breath, still clutching each other close. 

“Doctor?” Garak asked, his face creased with worry.

Julian laughed, eyes closed and face titled back. “Call me Julian.” He brushed a hand through Garak’s dark hair, realizing just how utterly besotted he was with this insufferable man. “Please, I want you to.”

Garak sighed. “Only if you promise not to go off on some highly dangerous yet entirely unnecessary mission in the near future.”

Julian kissed him again, tenderly this time. “What if I said you could come with me?”

“I’m sure the good captain wouldn’t appreciate you bringing civilians along on one of your escapades,” Garak said, running his fingers along the thin material of Julian’s undershirt. “Perhaps one of your holosuite programs would be more suitable for the activities you had in mind.”

Julian hummed. “And what would those activities be?”

“My dear Julian.” The way Garak said his name made Julian shiver pleasantly from head to toe. “You’ll have to wait and see. I know you enjoy a good mystery.”

Julian couldn’t keep himself from grinning like a madman. “Only when it’s you.”

**Author's Note:**

> shoutout to my secret santa, dakota, who requested some pre-season 6 garashir with self-doubt, comfort, and a happy ending. i hope you enjoyed reading this as much as i enjoyed writing it!
> 
> i haven't published anything in like 2 years but as per usual, kudos are appreciated. comments are printed and hung on the fridge.


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